It is undeniable that our generation of parents is more involved in our children's daily lives than any generation preceding us. It is common for parents to constantly be in our kids' schools, connect with their teachers, "friend" their friends on Facebook, and revolve our weekends around their activities. With this, a new phenomenon has been born. More than ever before, parents are making friends with the parents of their children's friends; or like I call them, "Momships."
My definition of a momship is a relationship that has been forged through one's child's friendship with another person's child. These friendships might not have happened naturally but occur once our children choose their friends. These relationships are not bad to have. Momships are like war-buddies, they are people who share the personal experiences of your daily life.
What happens to these friendships when our children grow apart from the friends they once had? It can be awkward to continue the close friendship when your child stops requesting playdates and sleepovers with their once preferred friends. The best momships can last through uncomfortable playground politics. Most children naturally change friends as they grow and develop. If you have a momship, evaluate whether that friendship is one that can withstand the possible rejection your child can potentially experience by your friend's child. If your child decides to move in another social direction, how can you best handle this with your mom-friend? An open and honest discussion about this possibility can go a long way.
Momships are not just valuable for sharing some wine while your children play. They can be valuable for building a sense of community for your child and family. If you can successfully separate your child's social situations from your own personal sense of rejection, momships can last long past your child's new favorite friend.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Monday, October 17, 2011
"The Talk"
As a mom, I'm entering into the stage of when and how to have the talk about puberty, sex, and drugs/alcohol with the kids.
I thought I would share my formula for the most successful and the least embarrassing way to do this.
#1, stay ONE step ahead of the kids. Children should know about these topics soon before entering the stages where they either experience them or know kids that do. I believe girls should know about puberty and changes by age 10 and boys before middle school. All kids should be made aware of sex, drugs/alcohol (the basic facts) the summer before middle school. However, be careful not to approach these topics too early. Kids can only understand complex subjects at their developmental/experiential level.
#2, use literature. Some authors have spent years perfecting their approach. Isn't that better than your "off-the cuff" attempt? Obviously, read what you are giving to them beforehand and be available for questions after.
#3, consider joining forces with another adult and telling your children together. This works best when the other child is their best friend, cousin, same/similar-aged sibling, or close family friend.
#4, use proper vocabulary, straight and simple details, and most of all, a little humor to lighten the mood.
Children who have the facts presented in a simple and direct manner feel more in control of what is happening to them and in their lives. Most of all, it sets the tone that they have parents who are open to discussing difficult topics and are approachable for complicated and touchy subjects as they enter the strange and weird stage of adolescence.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Back to School! Hooray?
The end of summer vacation brings up a lot of ambivalence in the hearts and minds of parents. We all remember the carefree days of summer but also enjoy the structure of the day and the growth of the children during their work weeks. The conflict is most intense for parents of children who are diagnosed with ADHD or other various learning challenges.
Children with ADHD and learning challenges spend 2-4 times the amount of cognitive energy than their classmates just to do the same tasks and get through the average school day. The happy and energized (albeit sometimes unmanageable) summertime kid can often turn into an unhappy and angry school year kid. How do we, as parents, deal with the summer letdown and help them to gear up for a seamless re-entry into school?
First, make sure that expectations of their specific educational environment are appropriate for your child's individualized needs. If you notice an obvious change in mood or behavior during the school year, find out what is wrong. Do not accept that your child should be unhappy in school. Get a thorough psychological evaluation so you know what he or she needs to succeed and be an advocate for your child. A change in accommodations, environment, or medication might unlock his or her success and sense of self-satisfaction/happiness. Be out in front of what is happening in the classroom and become a presence in the school. Also, manage his extracurricular needs. If he needs activity, make sure he is involved in plenty of athletics/karate. If she needs downtime, be protective of that.
When your have a thorough understanding of your child's strengths and weaknesses, you can be the best advocate for your child. In return, instead of being depressed during the school year, you and your child can just be mildly conflicted. Just like everyone else.
Children with ADHD and learning challenges spend 2-4 times the amount of cognitive energy than their classmates just to do the same tasks and get through the average school day. The happy and energized (albeit sometimes unmanageable) summertime kid can often turn into an unhappy and angry school year kid. How do we, as parents, deal with the summer letdown and help them to gear up for a seamless re-entry into school?
First, make sure that expectations of their specific educational environment are appropriate for your child's individualized needs. If you notice an obvious change in mood or behavior during the school year, find out what is wrong. Do not accept that your child should be unhappy in school. Get a thorough psychological evaluation so you know what he or she needs to succeed and be an advocate for your child. A change in accommodations, environment, or medication might unlock his or her success and sense of self-satisfaction/happiness. Be out in front of what is happening in the classroom and become a presence in the school. Also, manage his extracurricular needs. If he needs activity, make sure he is involved in plenty of athletics/karate. If she needs downtime, be protective of that.
When your have a thorough understanding of your child's strengths and weaknesses, you can be the best advocate for your child. In return, instead of being depressed during the school year, you and your child can just be mildly conflicted. Just like everyone else.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Secrets and Lies
This morning I awoke to news of Arnold Schwarzenegger revealing his secret love child to the world. I thought about his wife and the humiliation she must feel. But mostly, I thought about their children and wondered about their emotional health.
Secrets are destructive for families. Obviously, there is some information that, in its raw form, is not appropriate to be discussed given a child's developmental stage. But generally, families that want to be cohesive and whole should not harbor secrets from their members. Much of our communication happens on a nonverbal level. Although people are not directly told information, most of the time someone close to us can tell that something is being hidden from them. The way a person disconnects during a conversation, the avoidance of a topic, a wincing, a hesitation, this is all encoded in our brains at a subconscious level and interferes with the development of a relationship.
Children, who are most susceptible to the nonverbal signals, usually interpret a parent's distancing as something that he or she has done to warrant it. A well-intentioned parent who says, "that's not something I want to discuss" makes a child feel badly about broaching the subject. Ultimately, shame will follow. Therefore, be open and honest about the skeletons in your closet. Reveal information in a developmentally appropriate way but find a way to talk about it. Most families are strong enough to deal with many problems that can befall one of its members. But most families are not strong enough to deal with the betrayal that is attached to a long-standing secret or lie.
Secrets are destructive for families. Obviously, there is some information that, in its raw form, is not appropriate to be discussed given a child's developmental stage. But generally, families that want to be cohesive and whole should not harbor secrets from their members. Much of our communication happens on a nonverbal level. Although people are not directly told information, most of the time someone close to us can tell that something is being hidden from them. The way a person disconnects during a conversation, the avoidance of a topic, a wincing, a hesitation, this is all encoded in our brains at a subconscious level and interferes with the development of a relationship.
Children, who are most susceptible to the nonverbal signals, usually interpret a parent's distancing as something that he or she has done to warrant it. A well-intentioned parent who says, "that's not something I want to discuss" makes a child feel badly about broaching the subject. Ultimately, shame will follow. Therefore, be open and honest about the skeletons in your closet. Reveal information in a developmentally appropriate way but find a way to talk about it. Most families are strong enough to deal with many problems that can befall one of its members. But most families are not strong enough to deal with the betrayal that is attached to a long-standing secret or lie.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Ode to Moms
When we were 17, our moms "ruined" our lives daily.
Too many rules and curfews that seemed arbitrary.
Trust, support, friendship and finances is all that we craved.
We vowed that our children would have a different fate.
The process started when we were handed our babes, naked or wrapped, perfect.
It was like starting out the semester with an "A", seemed easy enough not to suck it.
Suddenly, the floor dropped out beneath us, parenting was much harder than we thought.
The endless needs, illness, fears, questioning whether there was progress or not.
We enjoyed the baby during the day while shlepping his diapers and stuff.
Still at night, we questioned ourselves, did we satisfy his needs enough?
As our children grow, we know what we know. When she is sick, we feel sick too.
When she is sad, we cannot believe how deeply we feel her emotions inside us too.
Generally, we are baffled by their behavior and confused by why they don't get it.
We work so hard to steer these crazy ships, we can never just relax and accept fate.
But when she triumphs we feel elated, taking personal pride in all of her successes.
This roller coaster ride is intense and sometimes unfair, there is and will be no break for us.
In just a few years our kids will rebel and possibly call us names foul.
Yes, the words can hurt and the rejection is real but we will not hand in the towel.
Because we secretly know that even then, they need us and cannot let us go.
We remember the babe who cried when we left and needed us in order to grow.
Happy Mother's Day!
Too many rules and curfews that seemed arbitrary.
Trust, support, friendship and finances is all that we craved.
We vowed that our children would have a different fate.
The process started when we were handed our babes, naked or wrapped, perfect.
It was like starting out the semester with an "A", seemed easy enough not to suck it.
Suddenly, the floor dropped out beneath us, parenting was much harder than we thought.
The endless needs, illness, fears, questioning whether there was progress or not.
We enjoyed the baby during the day while shlepping his diapers and stuff.
Still at night, we questioned ourselves, did we satisfy his needs enough?
As our children grow, we know what we know. When she is sick, we feel sick too.
When she is sad, we cannot believe how deeply we feel her emotions inside us too.
Generally, we are baffled by their behavior and confused by why they don't get it.
We work so hard to steer these crazy ships, we can never just relax and accept fate.
But when she triumphs we feel elated, taking personal pride in all of her successes.
This roller coaster ride is intense and sometimes unfair, there is and will be no break for us.
In just a few years our kids will rebel and possibly call us names foul.
Yes, the words can hurt and the rejection is real but we will not hand in the towel.
Because we secretly know that even then, they need us and cannot let us go.
We remember the babe who cried when we left and needed us in order to grow.
Happy Mother's Day!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
One Size Fits None
Before our children are born, we read how a pregnancy "should go." We hear about other people's experiences with breast feeding, we know about what age our infants will acquire each skill. After each child is born, we feel a little mislead. We ask, "How come my baby isn't turning over/talking/walking/writing/knowing her colors, when she is already ___ years old?" Sometimes, an unmet developmental goal can signal a problem in development and other times, it just indicates the reality that this child, is developing at his own pace and according to his own schedule.
Most parents, who have passed the infancy stage, have come to realize that children develop differently. But, each child's emotional development is also unique. Parenting books that supply behavioral interventions and advice, don't always take into account, the individual temperaments and needs of each child.
In my practice and in my parenting, I have come to realize the importance of knowing the child, prior to providing parenting techniques and interventions that will work with that child. A high tempered child, for example, might relish in the "fight" over a timeout and subsequently receive a secondary "gain" from this common behavioral intervention. In contrast, his obedient and eager-to-please brother might respond well to this type of intervention. Changing discipline practices to suit the needs of each of your children is appropriate and important. The crime and punishment model does not often work in changing behavior. Johnny's disrespectful language might earn him a timeout, swifting "nipping in the bud" his back-talk. In contrast, Luke's "habitual" name-calling will be better handled through positive reinforcement for respectful language and kind words. The goal of the behavioral intervention is to change the behavior, assess your child's needs and intervene in a way that will facilitate this change.
You wouldn't necessarily buy the same size outfit for two different 3 year olds so don't always "buy" the same parenting technique either. A child's temperament and emotional make-up contributes to how effective the particular intervention will be. Take stock of what works and try different approaches. You are the expert on your child so, in essence, you can be the author of your own parenting book.
Most parents, who have passed the infancy stage, have come to realize that children develop differently. But, each child's emotional development is also unique. Parenting books that supply behavioral interventions and advice, don't always take into account, the individual temperaments and needs of each child.
In my practice and in my parenting, I have come to realize the importance of knowing the child, prior to providing parenting techniques and interventions that will work with that child. A high tempered child, for example, might relish in the "fight" over a timeout and subsequently receive a secondary "gain" from this common behavioral intervention. In contrast, his obedient and eager-to-please brother might respond well to this type of intervention. Changing discipline practices to suit the needs of each of your children is appropriate and important. The crime and punishment model does not often work in changing behavior. Johnny's disrespectful language might earn him a timeout, swifting "nipping in the bud" his back-talk. In contrast, Luke's "habitual" name-calling will be better handled through positive reinforcement for respectful language and kind words. The goal of the behavioral intervention is to change the behavior, assess your child's needs and intervene in a way that will facilitate this change.
You wouldn't necessarily buy the same size outfit for two different 3 year olds so don't always "buy" the same parenting technique either. A child's temperament and emotional make-up contributes to how effective the particular intervention will be. Take stock of what works and try different approaches. You are the expert on your child so, in essence, you can be the author of your own parenting book.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A new generation of narcissists?
As I was dutifully fetching a snack for my almost 9-year old the other day, I had a moment of self-awareness I wanted to share.
We love our children, feel passionate about them, actually. I recall a time during my first child's infancy when I realized that the love I felt for her resembled more "romantic love" than "familial love." However, our devotion to our kids can trump our devotion to ourselves, to the detriment of us and most importantly, to the detriment of our children.
Our current generation of parents take time off of work to attend end of the semester "parties" or "shows" at the children's gym classes, feel the need for both parents to attend every sporting event in which our children involve themselves, throw ourselves into their activities, their friendships, their normal childhood experiences. We cheer for them attempting a catch in baseball or scream, "good try" when they score an "own goal" in soccer. But, our intense focus and devotion for our children create in them, the expectation that they are stars in their world and are deserving of everything they get.
It is my recommendation that we begin to pull back slowly. Let the kids play on their own, don't break an important business meeting to get home to watch soccer practice, create carpools, let children play on their own without providing a "craft", and by all means, let your kids get their own snacks!
We love our children, feel passionate about them, actually. I recall a time during my first child's infancy when I realized that the love I felt for her resembled more "romantic love" than "familial love." However, our devotion to our kids can trump our devotion to ourselves, to the detriment of us and most importantly, to the detriment of our children.
Our current generation of parents take time off of work to attend end of the semester "parties" or "shows" at the children's gym classes, feel the need for both parents to attend every sporting event in which our children involve themselves, throw ourselves into their activities, their friendships, their normal childhood experiences. We cheer for them attempting a catch in baseball or scream, "good try" when they score an "own goal" in soccer. But, our intense focus and devotion for our children create in them, the expectation that they are stars in their world and are deserving of everything they get.
It is my recommendation that we begin to pull back slowly. Let the kids play on their own, don't break an important business meeting to get home to watch soccer practice, create carpools, let children play on their own without providing a "craft", and by all means, let your kids get their own snacks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)