Secrets and Lies

This morning I awoke to news of Arnold Schwarzenegger revealing his secret love child to the world. I thought about his wife and the humiliation she must feel. But mostly, I thought about their children and wondered about their emotional health.

Secrets are destructive for families. Obviously, there is some information that, in its raw form, is not appropriate to be discussed given a child's developmental stage. But generally, families that want to be cohesive and whole should not harbor secrets from their members. Much of our communication happens on a nonverbal level. Although people are not directly told information, most of the time someone close to us can tell that something is being hidden from them. The way a person disconnects during a conversation, the avoidance of a topic, a wincing, a hesitation, this is all encoded in our brains at a subconscious level and interferes with the development of a relationship.

Children, who are most susceptible to the nonverbal signals, usually interpret a parent's distancing as something that he or she has done to warrant it. A well-intentioned parent who says, "that's not something I want to discuss" makes a child feel badly about broaching the subject. Ultimately, shame will follow. Therefore, be open and honest about the skeletons in your closet. Reveal information in a developmentally appropriate way but find a way to talk about it. Most families are strong enough to deal with many problems that can befall one of its members. But most families are not strong enough to deal with the betrayal that is attached to a long-standing secret or lie.

Ode to Moms

When we were 17, our moms "ruined" our lives daily.
Too many rules and curfews that seemed arbitrary.
Trust, support, friendship and finances is all that we craved.
We vowed that our children would have a different fate.

The process started when we were handed our babes, naked or wrapped, perfect.
It was like starting out the semester with an "A", seemed easy enough not to suck it.
Suddenly, the floor dropped out beneath us, parenting was much harder than we thought.
The endless needs, illness, fears, questioning whether there was progress or not.

We enjoyed the baby during the day while shlepping his diapers and stuff.
Still at night, we questioned ourselves, did we satisfy his needs enough?
As our children grow, we know what we know.  When she is sick, we feel sick too.
When she is sad, we cannot believe how deeply we feel her emotions inside us too.


Generally, we are baffled by their behavior and confused by why they don't get it.
We work so hard to steer these crazy ships, we can never just relax and accept fate.
But when she triumphs we feel elated, taking personal pride in all of her successes.
This roller coaster ride is intense and sometimes unfair, there is and will be no break for us.


In just a few years our kids will rebel and possibly call us names foul.
Yes, the words can hurt and the rejection is real but we will not hand in the towel.
Because we secretly know that even then, they need us and cannot let us go.
We remember the babe who cried when we left and needed us in order to grow.
Happy Mother's Day!

One Size Fits None

Before our children are born, we read how a pregnancy "should go." We hear about other people's experiences with breast feeding, we know about what age our infants will acquire each skill. After each child is born, we feel a little mislead. We ask, "How come my baby isn't turning over/talking/walking/writing/knowing her colors, when she is already ___ years old?" Sometimes, an unmet developmental goal can signal a problem in development and other times, it just indicates the reality that this child, is developing at his own pace and according to his own schedule.
Most parents, who have passed the infancy stage, have come to realize that children develop differently. But, each child's emotional development is also unique. Parenting books that supply behavioral interventions and advice, don't always take into account, the individual temperaments and needs of each child.
In my practice and in my parenting, I have come to realize the importance of knowing the child, prior to providing parenting techniques and interventions that will work with that child. A high tempered child, for example, might relish in the "fight" over a timeout and subsequently receive a secondary "gain" from this common behavioral intervention. In contrast, his obedient and eager-to-please brother might respond well to this type of intervention. Changing discipline practices to suit the needs of each of your children is appropriate and important. The crime and punishment model does not often work in changing behavior. Johnny's disrespectful language might earn him a timeout, swifting "nipping in the bud" his back-talk. In contrast, Luke's "habitual" name-calling will be better handled through positive reinforcement for respectful language and kind words. The goal of the behavioral intervention is to change the behavior, assess your child's needs and intervene in a way that will facilitate this change.
You wouldn't necessarily buy the same size outfit for two different 3 year olds so don't always "buy" the same parenting technique either. A child's temperament and emotional make-up contributes to how effective the particular intervention will be. Take stock of what works and try different approaches. You are the expert on your child so, in essence, you can be the author of your own parenting book.