This morning I awoke to news of Arnold Schwarzenegger revealing his secret love child to the world. I thought about his wife and the humiliation she must feel. But mostly, I thought about their children and wondered about their emotional health.
Secrets are destructive for families. Obviously, there is some information that, in its raw form, is not appropriate to be discussed given a child's developmental stage. But generally, families that want to be cohesive and whole should not harbor secrets from their members. Much of our communication happens on a nonverbal level. Although people are not directly told information, most of the time someone close to us can tell that something is being hidden from them. The way a person disconnects during a conversation, the avoidance of a topic, a wincing, a hesitation, this is all encoded in our brains at a subconscious level and interferes with the development of a relationship.
Children, who are most susceptible to the nonverbal signals, usually interpret a parent's distancing as something that he or she has done to warrant it. A well-intentioned parent who says, "that's not something I want to discuss" makes a child feel badly about broaching the subject. Ultimately, shame will follow. Therefore, be open and honest about the skeletons in your closet. Reveal information in a developmentally appropriate way but find a way to talk about it. Most families are strong enough to deal with many problems that can befall one of its members. But most families are not strong enough to deal with the betrayal that is attached to a long-standing secret or lie.
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