"Jennifer" came into my office the other day, brought by her mother who seemed to indicate that she is possibly possessed by the devil. Although the teenager sitting before me certainly seemed to show signs of oppositional and risk-taking behavior that would make anyone want to surrender her parenting role, what she was really dealing with was serious and debilitating anxiety.
When you think of an anxious child, you often picture the shy and retiring child who hides behind his parent at the playground. Maybe, you think of the girl who doesn't want to leave her mother's side or the boy who washes his hands obsessively. But, there are many people who, when fearful, trend towards the "fight" response, rather than the "flight" response.
If you have a child who is agressive, angry, or oppositional, question whether anxiety might be his motivation. Help him identify his fears and gently encourage him to face them. If he is arguing with others, wonder if he is experiencing social anxiety and difficulty joining a group of children playing. Is there anxiety or stress in the home that is contributing to a child's stress, fear, or tension at school? A child's rages at home can easily indicate performance anxiety (about school) or deep concerns over her ability to be "ok" in the world, separate from her parent. My patient (amalgam), Jennifer, is struggling with identity anxiety and worry that she will not be accepted for who she is, when she is a fully actualized adult.
Fear is a basic emotion that often runs people's lives (think about wars between nations, racism, genocides). On a micro level, helping a child to identify the root of the problem is the first, but giant, step to solving it.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Is "Positive Reinforcement" Really Just a Bribe in Disguise?
Many patients come to my office complaining of significant behavioral difficulties with their children. They ask, "What can we do, he's so difficult??!" Oftentimes, I will share a tip with them that involves rewarding for correct behavior. Parents often respond that they feel funny rewarding their child for something he is "supposed to be doing anyway." I thought I would take a minute to explain why rewarding a child works and why it is usually the best approach for behavior change.
When a child is not behaving appropriately, there is usually a root cause. From lack of motivation at one end of the spectrum to significant emotional/learning problem on the other. There is something that is getting in the way of them doing well. Children do well if they can do well. No one chooses to be oppositional, lazy, difficult... that is not an easy way to get through life. Chances are, your child needs more support in performing up to expectations. If you punish and reprimand, it usually adds to a "piling on" effect and your child ends up feeling worse about herself than she did before (and less likely to comply in the future!)
So, reward away. Break down the task into manageable steps and add rewards and reinforcers for success. But be warned, the rewards should be small (i.e., dimes, "points" toward TV watching or Wii playing, or playdates, special time with mom/dad, or even special treats). You should never feel like you are heaping material possessions onto your child. Constant praise for real success combined with small motivators usually result in the best outcome for a change in behavior.
Children do well if they can, you're just helping to define the goals and giving them the tools to achieve them. Bribes help you get what you want in the short-term but positive reinforcers are teaching tools for better behavior and for your child's increased feeling of competence.
When a child is not behaving appropriately, there is usually a root cause. From lack of motivation at one end of the spectrum to significant emotional/learning problem on the other. There is something that is getting in the way of them doing well. Children do well if they can do well. No one chooses to be oppositional, lazy, difficult... that is not an easy way to get through life. Chances are, your child needs more support in performing up to expectations. If you punish and reprimand, it usually adds to a "piling on" effect and your child ends up feeling worse about herself than she did before (and less likely to comply in the future!)
So, reward away. Break down the task into manageable steps and add rewards and reinforcers for success. But be warned, the rewards should be small (i.e., dimes, "points" toward TV watching or Wii playing, or playdates, special time with mom/dad, or even special treats). You should never feel like you are heaping material possessions onto your child. Constant praise for real success combined with small motivators usually result in the best outcome for a change in behavior.
Children do well if they can, you're just helping to define the goals and giving them the tools to achieve them. Bribes help you get what you want in the short-term but positive reinforcers are teaching tools for better behavior and for your child's increased feeling of competence.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Who's In Control?
Ahhh, the battle for control. We all want it yet no one really seems to get it. Why is parenthood such a battlefield for this particular issue?
We all feel like victims to our little tyrants at some point of this crazy experience. But why? I believe that there are two basic problems of parenting and maintaining control over our children.
1. We want control too much.
2. We lack the attention and consistency to do anything about it.
Child development runs on the premise that the individual evolves with the intention of separating from the parent and becoming his or her own person. The process of separation is sometimes hurtful and downright violent. In other words, the child is wired to want to be in control and the parent is freaked out at the cost of this independence.
Parenting is about flexibility. If you tell your child to stop reading and go to bed and he asks for 5 more minutes, let him have the time. However, make sure that if you agree that he realizes it was his idea and follow through with the lights off after 5 minutes. If a child is able to assert her control in small ways, she will be more comfortable with negotiating her need for control in the present and in the future.
Set limits that count. If you don't want to be talked to disrespectfully, don't tolerate disrespect. Not once, not ever and your reactions should indicate your intolerance of this. Decide your core values and stick to them. Value education? Don't let it slide. Value religious observance? Be strict there. Recognize only 3 or 4 of the values that you believe in though. Too many will get in the way of your ability to be consistent.
Flexibility and consistency will help the balance of power in the home. Ask yourself if the battle is worth fighting before you raise your flag in declaration of war.
We all feel like victims to our little tyrants at some point of this crazy experience. But why? I believe that there are two basic problems of parenting and maintaining control over our children.
1. We want control too much.
2. We lack the attention and consistency to do anything about it.
Child development runs on the premise that the individual evolves with the intention of separating from the parent and becoming his or her own person. The process of separation is sometimes hurtful and downright violent. In other words, the child is wired to want to be in control and the parent is freaked out at the cost of this independence.
Parenting is about flexibility. If you tell your child to stop reading and go to bed and he asks for 5 more minutes, let him have the time. However, make sure that if you agree that he realizes it was his idea and follow through with the lights off after 5 minutes. If a child is able to assert her control in small ways, she will be more comfortable with negotiating her need for control in the present and in the future.
Set limits that count. If you don't want to be talked to disrespectfully, don't tolerate disrespect. Not once, not ever and your reactions should indicate your intolerance of this. Decide your core values and stick to them. Value education? Don't let it slide. Value religious observance? Be strict there. Recognize only 3 or 4 of the values that you believe in though. Too many will get in the way of your ability to be consistent.
Flexibility and consistency will help the balance of power in the home. Ask yourself if the battle is worth fighting before you raise your flag in declaration of war.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Tolerate This
Watching my daughter Sammi hammer out "Jingle Bells" on the piano this morning, I had a thought that I wanted to share.
We always think about our children's natural gifts as well as their natural weaknesses. When we think about their strengths, they are often in terms of innate athletic ability, smarts, social skills, and musical/art skills. But, a child can be naturally good at other things that aren't so obvious, attributes that can take her further in life than many other innate talents. I'm thinking particularly about Frustration Tolerance.
Everyone has differing abilities to manage frustration. Some children push past challenge and others give up. Some children give up violently (tantrum, throw things, cry...) and others might withdraw effort, attention or interest. But, a child who can tolerate frustration, can learn, grow, and reach goals that many others cannot. Despite a natural ability, a child who cannot tolerate frustration, will not be able to reach a goal or attain a high level of performance in whatever it is they are attempting.
Frustration tolerance is an innate attribute, a personality trait born within a person. But, it is also a "muscle", something that can improve when it becomes a focus of parenting. As a parent, you can help your child learn to tolerate frustration. Notice what happens when he meets a challenge. What behavior occurs? Does he persist? Or, does he retreat? In the face of frustration, be gentle but encouraging. Reinforce the challenge with your physical presence, set a privilege/reward/reinforcer if the challenge is met, and praise appropriately for completion of the task. Most of all however, do not let the challenge defeat the child. Reduce the goals and expectations into manageable portions and take breaks and reward for completion of the steps. A child's happiness is most closely aligned with his or her perceived success. Tolerating frustration is the basic building block to reaching goals and experiencing success.
Sammi's smile after completing the piece of music, using both her left and right hands, filled the room. It sure beat her body slumped over the keyboard, a posture she had taken just five minutes before.
We always think about our children's natural gifts as well as their natural weaknesses. When we think about their strengths, they are often in terms of innate athletic ability, smarts, social skills, and musical/art skills. But, a child can be naturally good at other things that aren't so obvious, attributes that can take her further in life than many other innate talents. I'm thinking particularly about Frustration Tolerance.
Everyone has differing abilities to manage frustration. Some children push past challenge and others give up. Some children give up violently (tantrum, throw things, cry...) and others might withdraw effort, attention or interest. But, a child who can tolerate frustration, can learn, grow, and reach goals that many others cannot. Despite a natural ability, a child who cannot tolerate frustration, will not be able to reach a goal or attain a high level of performance in whatever it is they are attempting.
Frustration tolerance is an innate attribute, a personality trait born within a person. But, it is also a "muscle", something that can improve when it becomes a focus of parenting. As a parent, you can help your child learn to tolerate frustration. Notice what happens when he meets a challenge. What behavior occurs? Does he persist? Or, does he retreat? In the face of frustration, be gentle but encouraging. Reinforce the challenge with your physical presence, set a privilege/reward/reinforcer if the challenge is met, and praise appropriately for completion of the task. Most of all however, do not let the challenge defeat the child. Reduce the goals and expectations into manageable portions and take breaks and reward for completion of the steps. A child's happiness is most closely aligned with his or her perceived success. Tolerating frustration is the basic building block to reaching goals and experiencing success.
Sammi's smile after completing the piece of music, using both her left and right hands, filled the room. It sure beat her body slumped over the keyboard, a posture she had taken just five minutes before.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Parenting Without Pain
Parenting is painful. That is an undeniable fact. As we raise our progeny, we are continually affected by their emotional life. I have heard the saying that, "parents are only as happy as their least happy child." While this is exceptionally accurate, I believe that parents can learn to maintain an even emotional footing while guiding their children through the ups and downs of their experiences.
Some children are more emotional than others. I know many very sensitive children who are devastated by negative peer interactions. I know just as many parents who ride that roller coaster right along with their children. How many of us wanted to contact the parent of a child who has left out our own? While we rationalize this as confronting bullies or solving an untenable problem, what it does is to serve as reinforcement for the child's emotional distress.
What can a parent do to help and not feel the pain? We can maintain a supportive listening role. Paraphrase your child's experience. Use words that indicate compassion and care. This goes further than any "action" you can take. Additionally, there are often school guidance counselors, social workers, or psychologists that can take an active role in the child's disagreement if needed. A parent should be even-tempered and supportive and not fall prey to the emotional ups and downs of their children's experience. Responding by encouraging a child's contact with appropriate school personnel, role playing assertive peer interactions, and encouraging sane and rational thinking goes a long way to help a child grow strong through their conflicts and know how to effectively deal with them in the future.
Some children are more emotional than others. I know many very sensitive children who are devastated by negative peer interactions. I know just as many parents who ride that roller coaster right along with their children. How many of us wanted to contact the parent of a child who has left out our own? While we rationalize this as confronting bullies or solving an untenable problem, what it does is to serve as reinforcement for the child's emotional distress.
What can a parent do to help and not feel the pain? We can maintain a supportive listening role. Paraphrase your child's experience. Use words that indicate compassion and care. This goes further than any "action" you can take. Additionally, there are often school guidance counselors, social workers, or psychologists that can take an active role in the child's disagreement if needed. A parent should be even-tempered and supportive and not fall prey to the emotional ups and downs of their children's experience. Responding by encouraging a child's contact with appropriate school personnel, role playing assertive peer interactions, and encouraging sane and rational thinking goes a long way to help a child grow strong through their conflicts and know how to effectively deal with them in the future.
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