The end of summer vacation brings up a lot of ambivalence in the hearts and minds of parents. We all remember the carefree days of summer but also enjoy the structure of the day and the growth of the children during their work weeks. The conflict is most intense for parents of children who are diagnosed with ADHD or other various learning challenges.
Children with ADHD and learning challenges spend 2-4 times the amount of cognitive energy than their classmates just to do the same tasks and get through the average school day. The happy and energized (albeit sometimes unmanageable) summertime kid can often turn into an unhappy and angry school year kid. How do we, as parents, deal with the summer letdown and help them to gear up for a seamless re-entry into school?
First, make sure that expectations of their specific educational environment are appropriate for your child's individualized needs. If you notice an obvious change in mood or behavior during the school year, find out what is wrong. Do not accept that your child should be unhappy in school. Get a thorough psychological evaluation so you know what he or she needs to succeed and be an advocate for your child. A change in accommodations, environment, or medication might unlock his or her success and sense of self-satisfaction/happiness. Be out in front of what is happening in the classroom and become a presence in the school. Also, manage his extracurricular needs. If he needs activity, make sure he is involved in plenty of athletics/karate. If she needs downtime, be protective of that.
When your have a thorough understanding of your child's strengths and weaknesses, you can be the best advocate for your child. In return, instead of being depressed during the school year, you and your child can just be mildly conflicted. Just like everyone else.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Secrets and Lies
This morning I awoke to news of Arnold Schwarzenegger revealing his secret love child to the world. I thought about his wife and the humiliation she must feel. But mostly, I thought about their children and wondered about their emotional health.
Secrets are destructive for families. Obviously, there is some information that, in its raw form, is not appropriate to be discussed given a child's developmental stage. But generally, families that want to be cohesive and whole should not harbor secrets from their members. Much of our communication happens on a nonverbal level. Although people are not directly told information, most of the time someone close to us can tell that something is being hidden from them. The way a person disconnects during a conversation, the avoidance of a topic, a wincing, a hesitation, this is all encoded in our brains at a subconscious level and interferes with the development of a relationship.
Children, who are most susceptible to the nonverbal signals, usually interpret a parent's distancing as something that he or she has done to warrant it. A well-intentioned parent who says, "that's not something I want to discuss" makes a child feel badly about broaching the subject. Ultimately, shame will follow. Therefore, be open and honest about the skeletons in your closet. Reveal information in a developmentally appropriate way but find a way to talk about it. Most families are strong enough to deal with many problems that can befall one of its members. But most families are not strong enough to deal with the betrayal that is attached to a long-standing secret or lie.
Secrets are destructive for families. Obviously, there is some information that, in its raw form, is not appropriate to be discussed given a child's developmental stage. But generally, families that want to be cohesive and whole should not harbor secrets from their members. Much of our communication happens on a nonverbal level. Although people are not directly told information, most of the time someone close to us can tell that something is being hidden from them. The way a person disconnects during a conversation, the avoidance of a topic, a wincing, a hesitation, this is all encoded in our brains at a subconscious level and interferes with the development of a relationship.
Children, who are most susceptible to the nonverbal signals, usually interpret a parent's distancing as something that he or she has done to warrant it. A well-intentioned parent who says, "that's not something I want to discuss" makes a child feel badly about broaching the subject. Ultimately, shame will follow. Therefore, be open and honest about the skeletons in your closet. Reveal information in a developmentally appropriate way but find a way to talk about it. Most families are strong enough to deal with many problems that can befall one of its members. But most families are not strong enough to deal with the betrayal that is attached to a long-standing secret or lie.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Ode to Moms
When we were 17, our moms "ruined" our lives daily.
Too many rules and curfews that seemed arbitrary.
Trust, support, friendship and finances is all that we craved.
We vowed that our children would have a different fate.
The process started when we were handed our babes, naked or wrapped, perfect.
It was like starting out the semester with an "A", seemed easy enough not to suck it.
Suddenly, the floor dropped out beneath us, parenting was much harder than we thought.
The endless needs, illness, fears, questioning whether there was progress or not.
We enjoyed the baby during the day while shlepping his diapers and stuff.
Still at night, we questioned ourselves, did we satisfy his needs enough?
As our children grow, we know what we know. When she is sick, we feel sick too.
When she is sad, we cannot believe how deeply we feel her emotions inside us too.
Generally, we are baffled by their behavior and confused by why they don't get it.
We work so hard to steer these crazy ships, we can never just relax and accept fate.
But when she triumphs we feel elated, taking personal pride in all of her successes.
This roller coaster ride is intense and sometimes unfair, there is and will be no break for us.
In just a few years our kids will rebel and possibly call us names foul.
Yes, the words can hurt and the rejection is real but we will not hand in the towel.
Because we secretly know that even then, they need us and cannot let us go.
We remember the babe who cried when we left and needed us in order to grow.
Happy Mother's Day!
Too many rules and curfews that seemed arbitrary.
Trust, support, friendship and finances is all that we craved.
We vowed that our children would have a different fate.
The process started when we were handed our babes, naked or wrapped, perfect.
It was like starting out the semester with an "A", seemed easy enough not to suck it.
Suddenly, the floor dropped out beneath us, parenting was much harder than we thought.
The endless needs, illness, fears, questioning whether there was progress or not.
We enjoyed the baby during the day while shlepping his diapers and stuff.
Still at night, we questioned ourselves, did we satisfy his needs enough?
As our children grow, we know what we know. When she is sick, we feel sick too.
When she is sad, we cannot believe how deeply we feel her emotions inside us too.
Generally, we are baffled by their behavior and confused by why they don't get it.
We work so hard to steer these crazy ships, we can never just relax and accept fate.
But when she triumphs we feel elated, taking personal pride in all of her successes.
This roller coaster ride is intense and sometimes unfair, there is and will be no break for us.
In just a few years our kids will rebel and possibly call us names foul.
Yes, the words can hurt and the rejection is real but we will not hand in the towel.
Because we secretly know that even then, they need us and cannot let us go.
We remember the babe who cried when we left and needed us in order to grow.
Happy Mother's Day!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
One Size Fits None
Before our children are born, we read how a pregnancy "should go." We hear about other people's experiences with breast feeding, we know about what age our infants will acquire each skill. After each child is born, we feel a little mislead. We ask, "How come my baby isn't turning over/talking/walking/writing/knowing her colors, when she is already ___ years old?" Sometimes, an unmet developmental goal can signal a problem in development and other times, it just indicates the reality that this child, is developing at his own pace and according to his own schedule.
Most parents, who have passed the infancy stage, have come to realize that children develop differently. But, each child's emotional development is also unique. Parenting books that supply behavioral interventions and advice, don't always take into account, the individual temperaments and needs of each child.
In my practice and in my parenting, I have come to realize the importance of knowing the child, prior to providing parenting techniques and interventions that will work with that child. A high tempered child, for example, might relish in the "fight" over a timeout and subsequently receive a secondary "gain" from this common behavioral intervention. In contrast, his obedient and eager-to-please brother might respond well to this type of intervention. Changing discipline practices to suit the needs of each of your children is appropriate and important. The crime and punishment model does not often work in changing behavior. Johnny's disrespectful language might earn him a timeout, swifting "nipping in the bud" his back-talk. In contrast, Luke's "habitual" name-calling will be better handled through positive reinforcement for respectful language and kind words. The goal of the behavioral intervention is to change the behavior, assess your child's needs and intervene in a way that will facilitate this change.
You wouldn't necessarily buy the same size outfit for two different 3 year olds so don't always "buy" the same parenting technique either. A child's temperament and emotional make-up contributes to how effective the particular intervention will be. Take stock of what works and try different approaches. You are the expert on your child so, in essence, you can be the author of your own parenting book.
Most parents, who have passed the infancy stage, have come to realize that children develop differently. But, each child's emotional development is also unique. Parenting books that supply behavioral interventions and advice, don't always take into account, the individual temperaments and needs of each child.
In my practice and in my parenting, I have come to realize the importance of knowing the child, prior to providing parenting techniques and interventions that will work with that child. A high tempered child, for example, might relish in the "fight" over a timeout and subsequently receive a secondary "gain" from this common behavioral intervention. In contrast, his obedient and eager-to-please brother might respond well to this type of intervention. Changing discipline practices to suit the needs of each of your children is appropriate and important. The crime and punishment model does not often work in changing behavior. Johnny's disrespectful language might earn him a timeout, swifting "nipping in the bud" his back-talk. In contrast, Luke's "habitual" name-calling will be better handled through positive reinforcement for respectful language and kind words. The goal of the behavioral intervention is to change the behavior, assess your child's needs and intervene in a way that will facilitate this change.
You wouldn't necessarily buy the same size outfit for two different 3 year olds so don't always "buy" the same parenting technique either. A child's temperament and emotional make-up contributes to how effective the particular intervention will be. Take stock of what works and try different approaches. You are the expert on your child so, in essence, you can be the author of your own parenting book.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A new generation of narcissists?
As I was dutifully fetching a snack for my almost 9-year old the other day, I had a moment of self-awareness I wanted to share.
We love our children, feel passionate about them, actually. I recall a time during my first child's infancy when I realized that the love I felt for her resembled more "romantic love" than "familial love." However, our devotion to our kids can trump our devotion to ourselves, to the detriment of us and most importantly, to the detriment of our children.
Our current generation of parents take time off of work to attend end of the semester "parties" or "shows" at the children's gym classes, feel the need for both parents to attend every sporting event in which our children involve themselves, throw ourselves into their activities, their friendships, their normal childhood experiences. We cheer for them attempting a catch in baseball or scream, "good try" when they score an "own goal" in soccer. But, our intense focus and devotion for our children create in them, the expectation that they are stars in their world and are deserving of everything they get.
It is my recommendation that we begin to pull back slowly. Let the kids play on their own, don't break an important business meeting to get home to watch soccer practice, create carpools, let children play on their own without providing a "craft", and by all means, let your kids get their own snacks!
We love our children, feel passionate about them, actually. I recall a time during my first child's infancy when I realized that the love I felt for her resembled more "romantic love" than "familial love." However, our devotion to our kids can trump our devotion to ourselves, to the detriment of us and most importantly, to the detriment of our children.
Our current generation of parents take time off of work to attend end of the semester "parties" or "shows" at the children's gym classes, feel the need for both parents to attend every sporting event in which our children involve themselves, throw ourselves into their activities, their friendships, their normal childhood experiences. We cheer for them attempting a catch in baseball or scream, "good try" when they score an "own goal" in soccer. But, our intense focus and devotion for our children create in them, the expectation that they are stars in their world and are deserving of everything they get.
It is my recommendation that we begin to pull back slowly. Let the kids play on their own, don't break an important business meeting to get home to watch soccer practice, create carpools, let children play on their own without providing a "craft", and by all means, let your kids get their own snacks!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Only Thing to Fear is ... Anxiety.
"Jennifer" came into my office the other day, brought by her mother who seemed to indicate that she is possibly possessed by the devil. Although the teenager sitting before me certainly seemed to show signs of oppositional and risk-taking behavior that would make anyone want to surrender her parenting role, what she was really dealing with was serious and debilitating anxiety.
When you think of an anxious child, you often picture the shy and retiring child who hides behind his parent at the playground. Maybe, you think of the girl who doesn't want to leave her mother's side or the boy who washes his hands obsessively. But, there are many people who, when fearful, trend towards the "fight" response, rather than the "flight" response.
If you have a child who is agressive, angry, or oppositional, question whether anxiety might be his motivation. Help him identify his fears and gently encourage him to face them. If he is arguing with others, wonder if he is experiencing social anxiety and difficulty joining a group of children playing. Is there anxiety or stress in the home that is contributing to a child's stress, fear, or tension at school? A child's rages at home can easily indicate performance anxiety (about school) or deep concerns over her ability to be "ok" in the world, separate from her parent. My patient (amalgam), Jennifer, is struggling with identity anxiety and worry that she will not be accepted for who she is, when she is a fully actualized adult.
Fear is a basic emotion that often runs people's lives (think about wars between nations, racism, genocides). On a micro level, helping a child to identify the root of the problem is the first, but giant, step to solving it.
When you think of an anxious child, you often picture the shy and retiring child who hides behind his parent at the playground. Maybe, you think of the girl who doesn't want to leave her mother's side or the boy who washes his hands obsessively. But, there are many people who, when fearful, trend towards the "fight" response, rather than the "flight" response.
If you have a child who is agressive, angry, or oppositional, question whether anxiety might be his motivation. Help him identify his fears and gently encourage him to face them. If he is arguing with others, wonder if he is experiencing social anxiety and difficulty joining a group of children playing. Is there anxiety or stress in the home that is contributing to a child's stress, fear, or tension at school? A child's rages at home can easily indicate performance anxiety (about school) or deep concerns over her ability to be "ok" in the world, separate from her parent. My patient (amalgam), Jennifer, is struggling with identity anxiety and worry that she will not be accepted for who she is, when she is a fully actualized adult.
Fear is a basic emotion that often runs people's lives (think about wars between nations, racism, genocides). On a micro level, helping a child to identify the root of the problem is the first, but giant, step to solving it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Is "Positive Reinforcement" Really Just a Bribe in Disguise?
Many patients come to my office complaining of significant behavioral difficulties with their children. They ask, "What can we do, he's so difficult??!" Oftentimes, I will share a tip with them that involves rewarding for correct behavior. Parents often respond that they feel funny rewarding their child for something he is "supposed to be doing anyway." I thought I would take a minute to explain why rewarding a child works and why it is usually the best approach for behavior change.
When a child is not behaving appropriately, there is usually a root cause. From lack of motivation at one end of the spectrum to significant emotional/learning problem on the other. There is something that is getting in the way of them doing well. Children do well if they can do well. No one chooses to be oppositional, lazy, difficult... that is not an easy way to get through life. Chances are, your child needs more support in performing up to expectations. If you punish and reprimand, it usually adds to a "piling on" effect and your child ends up feeling worse about herself than she did before (and less likely to comply in the future!)
So, reward away. Break down the task into manageable steps and add rewards and reinforcers for success. But be warned, the rewards should be small (i.e., dimes, "points" toward TV watching or Wii playing, or playdates, special time with mom/dad, or even special treats). You should never feel like you are heaping material possessions onto your child. Constant praise for real success combined with small motivators usually result in the best outcome for a change in behavior.
Children do well if they can, you're just helping to define the goals and giving them the tools to achieve them. Bribes help you get what you want in the short-term but positive reinforcers are teaching tools for better behavior and for your child's increased feeling of competence.
When a child is not behaving appropriately, there is usually a root cause. From lack of motivation at one end of the spectrum to significant emotional/learning problem on the other. There is something that is getting in the way of them doing well. Children do well if they can do well. No one chooses to be oppositional, lazy, difficult... that is not an easy way to get through life. Chances are, your child needs more support in performing up to expectations. If you punish and reprimand, it usually adds to a "piling on" effect and your child ends up feeling worse about herself than she did before (and less likely to comply in the future!)
So, reward away. Break down the task into manageable steps and add rewards and reinforcers for success. But be warned, the rewards should be small (i.e., dimes, "points" toward TV watching or Wii playing, or playdates, special time with mom/dad, or even special treats). You should never feel like you are heaping material possessions onto your child. Constant praise for real success combined with small motivators usually result in the best outcome for a change in behavior.
Children do well if they can, you're just helping to define the goals and giving them the tools to achieve them. Bribes help you get what you want in the short-term but positive reinforcers are teaching tools for better behavior and for your child's increased feeling of competence.
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